Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A big pile of "should"

I "should" have all my laundry caught up after a 3 day weekend, and I "should" have a clean kitchen, having solved the mystery of  the "weird" refrigerator smell, and I "should" be have gotten my oil changed and my tires rotated (I'm only 2000 miles past due) ~ but alas, I did not do any of these things.

Instead I spent time having breakfast with a dear friend, celebrating my oldest son's graduation, having a bar-b-q with my parents, my grandparents and my brother's family, catching up with a friend who made the 4 hour drive to see my son graduate, and sleeping...lots and lots of sleeping.

I "should" be thrilled to have been offered a full time position in the school where I have been working, and truly, I am thrilled, but there's a big part of me that is worrying already about all the "shoulds" that are to come next year.

Why is it that I can have all these grand plans, plans to paint the house and plans to clean out all the excess crap (which we do have alot of) and plans to get out exercise 3 days a week and in the end all I want to do is sleep? Am I depressed? Anxious? Avoiding things? I think the answer to all of these questions is a resounding yes!

I am depressed, because no matter how many inspirational quotes I read, or how many other people I talk to, I still think I "should" be a super-woman. I "should" be able to work full time, deal with my mentally ill child, along with my other 4 children and the man-child I am married to and still have time and energy and the "want" to deal with the laundry and the kitchen and the tires. Even I am writing this, I am internally guilting myself about not being "super"!

I am anxious because in 3 days it is going to be summer, and summer for my child with mental illness is a huge challenge. And he is that much bigger and stronger and more defiant and angrier than he was last summer and as much as he hates school, the unstructured time of summer is way too much for him. Along with the fact that he will most likely make choices that incur consequences that will make his world shrink even smaller. I am anxious that even with my  plans to paint and clean and exercise, the best I will manage is to drag a comb through my hair and feed my children something unhealthy before we head to the pool, where I will read and play with my baby.

I am avoiding things because they are hard and uncomfortable and are going to lead to big changes in the near future, and although I just read a quote saying "I can do hard things", I don't truly believe that I can.

Maybe the key to avoiding a big stinking pile of "should", is saying I WILL get this one thing accomplished today, and leave the 1001 things I should have done alone. And being ok with the days where all I WILL get done is dragging a comb through my hair and making sure my kids have enough sunscreen on. I think that is the key...maybe I "should" go get a duplicate key made for those days when I lose this original  and am floundering in a pile of "shoulds".

I definitely don't have an answer, or even a question really, just some thoughts. And a long summer stretched out in front of me...

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