Monday, February 24, 2014

6 weeks

6 weeks, that's how long Mr. has been home from the group home. 6 weeks of walking on eggshells, of wondering if the other shoe is going to drop, of hoping we're on the other side of this dark dark forest. 6 weeks of praising God for every minor conflict that doesn't turn major, and 6 weeks of looking forward to a brighter future in our house. 6 weeks of watching my childrens' relationships begin to repair and watching my younger ones not jump at every loud noise. I praise the Lord everyday for these pretty smooth 6 weeks and try to give myself a break from my constant vigilance...that's when it happens...just when I start to forget how bad it really was. A small disciplinary action for something he knew was coming and a TON of snow that needs to be moved and


The yelling, the nastiness, the just below the surface anger, the curse words, the disrespect, the oppositional defiant attitude ~ all of it, back, and with flying colors.

I wasn't prepared, I wasn't on guard, I just wasn't ready ~ and 6 weeks are down the toilet. Me not reacting in the calm, non-emotional way that seems to work with him and him, going from 0 to 60 in thirty seconds. The feeling that he actually feels relief to "not be trying" anymore and the look in his eyes that says he's enjoying this...

Was I really so naive to think this was never going to happen again? Did I really think he was "cured" when in all actuality, he's been in "remission".  I think I'm more upset with myself than him. He's just doing what he knows how to do, even though he has several new therapeutic tools under his belt, when push comes to shove (literally) we go back to what we know.  I, on the other hand, should have known this was coming, should have been reading the signs, should have been able to react better and protect my littles better. But, I let my guard down, I let myself believe...

I went to a pressure point massage therapist this week hoping for some sinus relief, and he pushed on a spot on the side of my knee that about made me jump off the table, it hurt so bad! He said, "Ah! you're tired. You need rest." I almost laughed, because I really felt like I WAS pretty rested. And if it hurts that bad now, after 6 months of Mr. being gone and 6 weeks of relative peace, what would that spot have felt like before?

Can I go back to that level of vigilance, to that level of "being on guard"? Do I have a choice?

No, I don't believe I do. I will do what needs to be done to protect my littles and also to start rebuilding, yet again, the relationship with Mr. To hope that the next time it will be 7 weeks or 12 weeks before my carefully constructed house of cards comes crashing down once again. To pray that the end of the dark forest is coming and the sun WILL eventually shine...

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